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Saturday 14 September 2013

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Today, I helped my brother propose to his girlfriend of 5 years in the spot where they had first met. As he delivered his heartfelt speech, a sizable crowd appeared. When he got down on one knee, she punched him in the gut, yelled, "I never loved you", and ran away. Now he won't talk to me. FML

by ElizaZee / 09/18/2013 at 9:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

by Stupid / 09/18/2013 at 4:46am / United States (Missouri) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

by Anonymous / 09/20/2013 at 9:18pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. -Mom and Dad." FML

by anon / 09/09/2013 at 11:15am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2013 at 9:29am / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Kids

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

by Jake / 09/16/2013 at 3:08pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

by CityBoysNow / 09/10/2013 at 8:14pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

by Anonymous / 09/15/2013 at 3:53pm / Romania (Bucuresti) / Intimacy

Today, as I started my car, I heard the most horrific sounds coming from the engine. When I lifted the hood I realized I'd found my son's cat. FML

by alexbrooke / 09/15/2013 at 10:49pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

by Anonymous / 09/20/2013 at 6:45pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML

by Iskylite / 09/10/2013 at 5:41pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

by :| / 09/12/2013 at 6:27pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

by someone / 09/17/2013 at 12:38pm / United States (California) / Intimacy