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Wednesday 28 August 2013

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Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2013 at 12:16am / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, I got my period 2 days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML

by faulty plumbimg! / 08/31/2013 at 8:14am / India / Health

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

by aisbash / 09/01/2013 at 3:35pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

by interphaseprophasemetaphase / 09/04/2013 at 7:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

by NoNotCats =^._.^= / 09/03/2013 at 4:17am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

by DefinitelyNotDogshit / 08/28/2013 at 12:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

by depressed / 09/03/2013 at 5:43pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2013 at 5:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2013 at 5:05pm / United States (New York) / Money

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

by scorned_jacketless_lady / 08/26/2013 at 12:52am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2013 at 3:24am / United Kingdom (Redbridge) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

by D / 09/03/2013 at 2:04pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

by smashyonewfloors / 08/31/2013 at 12:44am / Canada (Alberta) / Work