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Sunday 25 August 2013

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Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

by criminal tit offender / 08/31/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, two teenage girls caused a huge scene and told me to get lost, after I asked if they needed any help. Their reasoning: they didn't want to be helped by "someone who doesn't have a thigh gap." FML

by Hannahb17 / 08/23/2013 at 6:21pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

by happyturtle / 09/01/2013 at 5:57am / Croatia / Intimacy

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2013 at 11:16am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2013 at 9:28pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I walked in on my brother smoking weed. He immediately tried to hide it by dropping it down his pants, still lit. Screaming in pain, he pulled down his pants. The ashes burned his knob. I had to take him to the emergency room. FML

by bluerhhajfk / 08/19/2013 at 7:29pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

by nowork / 08/27/2013 at 11:21pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2013 at 2:12pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my parents told me that I had been accepted into my top two colleges, but they didn't show me the letters because they were worried that if they spent money on tuition, they wouldn't be able to keep BOTH of their brand new Mercedes. FML

by jfanous / 09/01/2013 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

by Love stinks / 08/19/2013 at 9:06am / United States / Love

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2013 at 2:50pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

by Pontiacman92 / 08/29/2013 at 3:07am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a very unpleasant feeling. Apparently, the tattoo I got on my arm a couple of days ago attracted hundreds of ants during its healing process. They were literally carrying away pieces of my skin. I can not get the feeling or image out of my head. FML

by aly55a_mariie / 08/20/2013 at 3:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous