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Tuesday 9 July 2013

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Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML

by hellbound / 07/12/2013 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 9:55pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

by mile high clubber / 07/14/2013 at 6:41am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

by PerfectTiming / 07/08/2013 at 7:19am / Netherlands (Noord-Brabant) / Animals

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

by muffin / 07/16/2013 at 8:01am / Austria / Miscellaneous

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

by hannahisacooler / 07/16/2013 at 7:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

by anonymous / 07/14/2013 at 9:07pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 12:16pm / Puerto Rico / Kids

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 3:10am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out how easy it is for people to get into my flat when I found bailiffs in my kitchen at 9am. They had picked the lock to look for someone who doesn't live at my address, but at least had the courtesy to tell me how to make my home more secure. FML

by LadyFahrenheit / 07/09/2013 at 8:14pm / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

by Upset Mommy / 07/14/2013 at 12:32am / United States / Health

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

by Zoey_M / 07/08/2013 at 7:26pm / Saudi Arabia (Ar Riyad) / Animals

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer because her entrée was too fishy. I'm not the chef, just the waiter and I work at a fish grill. FML

by NathanA / 07/08/2013 at 7:54pm / United States (California) / Work