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Tuesday 9 July 2013

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Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 8:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

by pinkXpress1023 / 07/08/2013 at 2:55pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

by embarrassed niece / 07/09/2013 at 12:15pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

by Anna / 07/13/2013 at 12:40am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 5:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

by tonedef / 07/09/2013 at 7:35pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I politely asked a man to not sleep on a tram stop that I had to clean. He got up, and while I leaned forward to pick up some trash from the ground nearby, I felt a warm stream on my back. Now I can't get the smell of urine off my clothes. FML

by FUCK.THIS.JOB. / 07/08/2013 at 1:57am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Work

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 1:11pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

by whowhat / 07/11/2013 at 2:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the pool. As I started going up the steps to use the water slide, a kid no older than 10 yanked my swim trunks down to "see what's down there." FML

by Blizzards / 07/14/2013 at 1:29am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

by Jer / 07/15/2013 at 7:36pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

by thecathater / 07/09/2013 at 9:35am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids