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Saturday 29 June 2013

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Today, what started off as an amazing date with my girlfriend ended with me driving her drunk ass home while she sat in the backseat making out with her new boyfriend. FML

by BimmerDriver / 06/30/2013 at 12:34pm / United States (New York) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML

by VictoriaLeavitt / 06/24/2013 at 8:35pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to get new shoes. I'm a pretty tall girl and I have proportional feet. I asked the cute guy who worked there for a size 9.5. He burst into laughter before putting on a shocked face and saying, "Oh wait... You're serious." Goodbye, self esteem. FML

by theyre not THAT big. / 07/01/2013 at 12:35am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

by afraid of flying too / 06/24/2013 at 7:24pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

by Jenn / 07/02/2013 at 10:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, while waitressing, I had a huge party. When everything was said and done I saw the tip they left me. It said on a napkin, "You're pretty. You can't put a value on a compliment." And that was it. I wish compliments paid the rent. FML

by Chellybelly92 / 07/01/2013 at 11:34am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

by Anonymous / 07/02/2013 at 1:24am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

by Nicks / 07/03/2013 at 11:10am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

by jgtrflynn / 06/24/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

by patriarchal apparently / 06/29/2013 at 3:58pm / Saint Lucia / Intimacy

Today, a neighbor's kid decided to pick a fight with me because I'm "the new kid in town and need to learn who's in charge". When I told him I'm 27, he said excuses like that aren't going to get me off the hook. I just moved here and I'm already being harassed by a twelve year old. FML

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

by grammarnazi-forareason / 07/03/2013 at 2:48am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Work

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 10:26am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy