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Wednesday 5 June 2013

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Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

by moreliketurdmart / 06/03/2013 at 12:48pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2013 at 4:55pm / France (Aquitaine) / Love

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

by fuck kids / 06/06/2013 at 2:24pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 3:32pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

by Oops / 06/10/2013 at 7:22am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my cats were making a ton of noise rolling around and fighting over their toys, and I yelled for them to knock it off. When they looked up at me, their "toy" ran away. Not a toy, but a real mouse. It's been 2 hours, and I still can't find it. FML

by drkate25 / 06/04/2013 at 12:28pm / United States (Connecticut) / Animals

Today, I was at work talking to an older man. As our conversation ended, he said, "Thank you, ma'am." Then, he quickly stumbled over his words as he said, "I mean, thank you, sir. I meant sir. I think." He gazed at me for a moment in confusion, then darted away. FML

by SApprentice / 06/05/2013 at 12:25am / United States (Virginia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

by Bookworm / 06/05/2013 at 1:02pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months moved in to my apartment. I had never been to his place because his roommate was a drug addict, so it came as quite a surprise when he brought three taxidermied cats with him, insisting that I let him mount them in the living room. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 1:12pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Animals

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2013 at 12:12am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

by Anon / 06/12/2013 at 10:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

by BloodyMarry / 06/04/2013 at 1:53pm / United States / Love

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2013 at 11:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous