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May 2016

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Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

by Anonymous / 05/11/2016 at 11:53am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

by jameen / 05/07/2016 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Intimacy

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

by Spongebob Garypants / 05/25/2016 at 10:05pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Animals

Today, I recieved a failing grade on my huge end-of-term project. My group members forgot to put my name on it. FML

by centaursTesticle / 05/18/2016 at 8:34am / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I nearly got shitcanned for falling asleep on the job. The only reason I was so dead tired was because my idiot roommates decided to get high last night and loudly argue for hours about stupid crap like "Is it gay to screw a clone of yourself?" I got less than 2 hours of sleep because of them. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 11:18pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 5:10pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, upon my arrival at work, I was greeted by 2 police officers, 2 managers, my coworker, and a meth-head in my office. They quickly told me that the meth-head was wearing stolen merchandise under her clothes, then left me alone with her, saying I had to watch her undress. FML

by Undercover_Agent / 05/25/2016 at 2:04am / United States (Iowa) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

by anon mom / 05/11/2016 at 8:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

by fckdorms / 05/09/2016 at 10:04am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

by Erbtosis / 05/12/2016 at 10:40pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

by The_Waffle / 05/14/2016 at 1:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I got a letter stating that now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I need to start getting cervical exams. The only people interested in getting anywhere near my vagina are doctors. FML

by CarouselHeart / 05/18/2016 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Health

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 1:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals