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August 2016

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Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

by LennyLemon / 08/25/2016 at 9:00am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

by Never Again / 08/09/2016 at 2:17pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

by Downinthedumps / 08/14/2016 at 6:44pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

by BatBee / 08/02/2016 at 10:29pm / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

by Jay703 / 08/02/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

by funfettifirework / 08/18/2016 at 1:08am / Philippines (Quezon City) / Work

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

by MrLonelyHertz / 08/24/2016 at 7:41pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

by manderz? / 08/02/2016 at 8:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

by nt121511 / 08/03/2016 at 6:40pm / Love

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

by codizzy / 08/18/2016 at 6:05pm / Work

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

by Bassackward / 08/25/2016 at 1:53am / Love

Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML

by royallymessedup / 08/14/2016 at 9:13am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Holidays

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

by hard worker / 08/21/2016 at 9:03pm / Work