Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
August 2016

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

by Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant / 08/21/2016 at 9:53am / Work

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

by an unlucky man / 08/05/2016 at 5:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

by arianelagolden / 08/04/2016 at 3:27am / Work

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

by Ummm / 08/03/2016 at 3:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

by that violates the Geneva conventions / 08/05/2016 at 5:33am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was practicing for a Cambodian ceremony. I'm American. My fiancée is Cambodian. While doing the practice, I had six people in my face telling me what to do, all at the same time. I got frustrated and accidentally blurted out, "This is fucking retarded." Now the whole family is mad at me. FML

by rcoale1983 / 08/14/2016 at 1:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

by hannax / 08/16/2016 at 1:26pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Health

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

by notthesame / 08/18/2016 at 12:45am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

by StupidPets / 08/23/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

by SkipLegDay / 08/03/2016 at 4:48am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Health

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

by AlexB / 08/19/2016 at 3:01am / United Kingdom (Blackpool) / Health

Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually lose anything. Instead, my mom drunkenly admitted to tossing my stuff away and then punishing me for it whenever she was mad at me. FML

by WellPlayedMother / 08/24/2016 at 2:15am / Miscellaneous