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August 2014

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Today, my two-year-old daughter's favourite word is 'No'. After leaving her with my sixteen-year-old brother, she now knows other N words as well. Niet, Nein, Non and Never. Her teenage uncle thinks it's hilarious. FML

by 919191 / 08/18/2014 at 9:26am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Kids

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

by Ew?Really? / 08/04/2014 at 1:42am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

by Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople / 08/11/2014 at 1:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2014 at 8:34pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

by HungryStudent / 08/20/2014 at 2:59pm / Puerto Rico / Money

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2014 at 10:48pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

by spekledworf / 08/05/2014 at 7:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

by AnnoyedWoman / 08/17/2014 at 6:19am / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2014 at 1:51pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2014 at 12:17pm / United Kingdom (Slough) / Work

Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML

by Sara777boo / 08/16/2014 at 2:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2014 at 7:25pm / Sweden (Vasternorrlands Lan) / Health

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 11:19pm / United States (Kansas) / Work