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August 2014

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Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 11:02pm / New Zealand / Kids

Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML

by ms98 / 08/05/2014 at 12:52am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2014 at 11:37am / United States / Love

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 11:30am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 6:18pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I complained to my two roommates about housework not being done. They both put their hands over their ears and started screaming at the top of their voice. They do this pretty much whenever I say anything to them. FML

by Jenn / 08/16/2014 at 8:10am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

by fanaticalfuckspawn / 08/25/2014 at 4:14pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. 10 minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's asscrack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML

by FUCK YOU / 08/08/2014 at 5:29pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

by Dancing King / 08/07/2014 at 11:36am / Norway (Rogaland) / Health

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 11:22am / China (Shanghai) / Intimacy

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 2:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2014 at 5:16pm / Portugal / Kids

Today, my two-year-old daughter's favourite word is 'No'. After leaving her with my sixteen-year-old brother, she now knows other N words as well. Niet, Nein, Non and Never. Her teenage uncle thinks it's hilarious. FML

by 919191 / 08/18/2014 at 9:26am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Kids