Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
August 2014

Choose a category


Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2014 at 3:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

by jakethemuss / 08/09/2014 at 7:03pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I had to give a video presentation. My video was on animal abuse, but I somehow played a video of myself singing Britney Spears in my room. FML

by SirTalkaton / 08/03/2014 at 1:38pm / United States (California) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

by UnSupported / 08/14/2014 at 11:28am / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2014 at 1:51am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

by haileelouxxx / 08/22/2014 at 8:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

by Etrius / 08/17/2014 at 11:19am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

by Anonymous / 08/12/2014 at 4:24pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

by humdrummitydrum / 08/19/2014 at 4:46pm / United States / Health

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2014 at 5:50pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

by Woops / 08/27/2014 at 6:57pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

by I hate children / 08/18/2014 at 8:10am / United Kingdom (Liverpool) / Kids

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

by WickedRene / 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm / United States (New York) / Kids