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August 2014

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Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

by Xbieblette51 / 08/19/2014 at 6:30pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

by jake / 08/12/2014 at 6:21am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

by disappointedjamaican / 08/31/2014 at 2:44pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Miscellaneous

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2014 at 12:27pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Love

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

by emmamrose7 / 08/14/2014 at 11:36pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had to explain to my father why it isn't a good idea to shove a metal knife into the toaster when trying to get at a small piece of toast. This man is 45-years-old and has a PhD. FML

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

by poorbastard / 08/30/2014 at 4:35am / Canada (Quebec) / Transportation

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

by failallday / 08/07/2014 at 5:09am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

by hopeless romantic / 08/14/2014 at 11:06am / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

by ew / 08/03/2014 at 2:49pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2014 at 11:43am / India (Maharashtra) / Geek

Today, while finally about to make love with my long term boyfriend, he came from putting a condom on. FML

by anon / 08/31/2014 at 11:14am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

by cat lady / 08/30/2014 at 7:56am / Norway (Rogaland) / Animals