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August 2014

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Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.

by Anonymous / 08/03/2014 at 11:13am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2014 at 12:00am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

by drunk under 18 teenager / 08/19/2014 at 9:37am / Morocco (Marrakech-Tensift-Al Haouz) / Geek

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2014 at 10:00pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

by cahsecuel / 08/14/2014 at 4:44pm / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Kids

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

by jackie89 / 08/10/2014 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Cornwall) / Intimacy

Today, I had to go to a public restroom. I have anxiety problems and can't go unless I'm the only one in the room. Another girl came in right after me, and I was waiting for her to leave. She was also waiting. After a while, I left first and had to hold my pee for a few more hours. FML

by DumbAndYoung / 08/26/2014 at 12:17am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2014 at 2:27pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Intimacy

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

by theshire / 08/12/2014 at 2:23am / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Health

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2014 at 9:31am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my boss decided our 4 year relationship was unethical, so she broke up with me, then terminated my employment. FML

by flyakite / 08/21/2014 at 11:53pm / United States / Love

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 2:16pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2014 at 5:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous