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August 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

#21243834
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50494) - you deserved it (6020)

On 08/23/2014 at 2:16pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

#21240482
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44797) - you deserved it (16606)

On 08/18/2014 at 12:39pm - intimacy - by embarrassed - United States (New York)

Today, I found out that if you wake your 7-year old sister up by plugging her nose, you'll wake up the next morning, taped down and unable to move as she pours ice water on you. FML

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

#21245120
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40633) - you deserved it (3498)

On 08/25/2014 at 2:58pm - misc - by nhyari (man) - South Africa (Western Cape)

Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

#21227005
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39969) - you deserved it (11247)

On 08/01/2014 at 7:10pm - misc - by infortunatename - United States (California)

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

#21236595
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36505) - you deserved it (6622)

On 08/13/2014 at 11:19am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, the man I have been in love with for years came to me with a beautiful ring and a heartfelt proposal. Too bad it ended with an eager, "So do you think he'll say yes?" FML

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

#21226819
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54771) - you deserved it (3687)

On 08/01/2014 at 2:27pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML

#21238932
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52858) - you deserved it (9032)

On 08/16/2014 at 12:03pm - intimacy - by gag reflex - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

#21241143
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44804) - you deserved it (6414)

On 08/19/2014 at 6:30pm - kids - by Xbieblette51 (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

#21244858
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44271) - you deserved it (7895)

On 08/25/2014 at 1:44am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

#21235845
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43399) - you deserved it (27738)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by not a dick-man (man) - Canada (British Columbia)



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