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January 2014

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Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

by gottacatchemall / 01/08/2014 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

by AnonWife / 01/21/2014 at 8:16pm / United Kingdom (North Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2014 at 5:59pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2014 at 6:32pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML

by fuckmuppeter512 / 01/04/2014 at 5:26pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2014 at 1:29am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

by noway / 01/03/2014 at 6:03am / France (Pays de la Loire) / Kids

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

by Estee1024 / 01/24/2014 at 12:28am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2014 at 7:52pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

by unicorn_skies / 01/18/2014 at 3:33am / United States (California) / Money

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2014 at 12:38am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

by jseid2 / 01/15/2014 at 12:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy