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July 2013

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Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

by ouch / 07/12/2013 at 3:22am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

by leeceetaylor99 / 07/15/2013 at 12:47pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 5:29am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my parents staged an intervention because I ate a year's supply of noodles in 2 weeks. FML

by AlonsoKold / 07/25/2013 at 9:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

by ilivehere / 07/17/2013 at 10:20am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

by Fitz / 07/29/2013 at 2:30am / United States / Work

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2013 at 1:51pm / Finland / Kids

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

by microlovin / 07/28/2013 at 3:45am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a blind date. The guy greeted me with a "What's up, bitch?", which I wrote off as him just being really laid-back. By dessert, he'd asked me if my boobs are real, then when we finished, asked how many more dates it'd take before I put out. So much for that. FML

by ElodieUNU / 07/12/2013 at 3:33pm / France / Love

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2013 at 12:53pm / United States / Love

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

by BlueB / 07/06/2013 at 11:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 3:08pm / Trinidad and Tobago (Port-of-Spain) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 12:59am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids