Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
July 2013

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 4:47am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

by ToiletTroubles / 07/03/2013 at 12:19pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

by anonymous / 07/14/2013 at 9:07pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

by mile high clubber / 07/14/2013 at 6:41am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 3:07pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2013 at 7:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 4:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

by damn dog / 07/05/2013 at 1:43am / United States / Animals

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

by PerfectTiming / 07/08/2013 at 7:19am / Netherlands (Noord-Brabant) / Animals

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

by muffin / 07/16/2013 at 8:01am / Austria / Miscellaneous

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

by the unfortunate man / 07/19/2013 at 12:29am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2013 at 12:15am / United States / Work

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

by Anonycunt / 07/27/2013 at 12:30pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love