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June 2013

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Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

by notkatvond / 06/19/2013 at 2:46pm / United States / Work

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

by Are you f*cking kidding me / 06/12/2013 at 2:10am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

by Me / 06/03/2013 at 1:32am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 11:29am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 12:12pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, after spending four hours cooking food for a special family dinner, I went to take a shower before they arrived. I came back out less than twenty minutes later to find most of the food gone, and a very guilty-looking puppy. FML

by Auroraen / 06/27/2013 at 9:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

by damniphone / 06/29/2013 at 1:31am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid witnessing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2013 at 1:47am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2013 at 12:32pm / Senegal / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2013 at 12:11pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

by me / 06/28/2013 at 11:51am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while running, a man ran up next to me and started jogging with me. He asked if he could run with me and I said yes. Later, when I told him I was going home, he followed me home. When I asked him to leave, he say down on my lawn in protest. He has been there for over 4 hours. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2013 at 12:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

by arse-face / 06/28/2013 at 7:22pm / Ireland (Clare) / Miscellaneous