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May 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

#20673142
200 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50186) - you deserved it (7016)

On 05/19/2013 at 2:33pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

#20649920
208 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53852) - you deserved it (4017)

On 05/08/2013 at 1:48pm - misc - by trice (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

#20680679
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57832) - you deserved it (4498)

On 05/22/2013 at 9:57pm - work - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

#20640565
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70097) - you deserved it (10294)

On 05/04/2013 at 8:51am - kids - by wtfmama (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

#20696601
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63680) - you deserved it (13901)

On 05/31/2013 at 12:16am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Utah)

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

#20668963
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60052) - you deserved it (6063)

On 05/17/2013 at 12:40pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Varmlands Lan)

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

#20642331
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42282) - you deserved it (73491)

On 05/05/2013 at 1:44am - intimacy - by beyondembarrassed - United States

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

#20638375
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54601) - you deserved it (9283)

On 05/03/2013 at 1:16am - love - by SingleStrongArm - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was leaving my doctor's appointment when a nurse stopped me. She exclaimed, "Wow you are so skinny! What's your secret?" My secret? Having an autoimmune disease. FML

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

#20691900
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30450) - you deserved it (54741)

On 05/28/2013 at 8:48pm - money - by pool party - United States (Illinois)

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

#20657738
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51561) - you deserved it (18307)

On 05/12/2013 at 1:01am - misc - by peallow (woman) - Puerto Rico

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

#20660939
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79870) - you deserved it (5510)

On 05/13/2013 at 3:10pm - intimacy - by more than I wanted to know (man) - Italy (Emilia-Romagna)

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

#20642863
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54865) - you deserved it (7885)

On 05/05/2013 at 11:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States



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