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May 2013

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Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

by ewwww / 05/26/2013 at 1:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2013 at 12:13pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2013 at 5:00pm / Germany / Love

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

by Anonymous / 05/11/2013 at 5:58pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

by look at the fucking universe, lady / 05/18/2013 at 2:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Geek

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

by leela / 05/25/2013 at 6:13pm / United States / Work

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

by fuck you retail / 05/27/2013 at 4:18pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2013 at 12:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

by hotelbound / 05/20/2013 at 8:37pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

by yesguysgetabusedtoo / 05/24/2013 at 7:42pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2013 at 7:01pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2013 at 4:33pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML

by ElhonnaDS / 05/20/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.