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September 2016

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Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML

by BabsZilla / 09/04/2016 at 8:21pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

by Lonile13 / 09/06/2016 at 11:28pm / Philippines / Intimacy

Today, it's my birthday and I'd planned to take my family and friends to dinner with my own money. My mom just informed me that she'd messaged everyone that I'd canceled the dinner. She instead wants to use my money to buy my older brother a gun for his birthday, which is in two days. FML

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

by failedparenting / 09/07/2016 at 12:44pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

by KittyKat168 / 09/09/2016 at 5:34am / Germany / Miscellaneous

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

by AloneAgainNaturally / 09/09/2016 at 5:03pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time in months. Afterwards, when he thought I was asleep, I caught him jacking off to porn. His defense: "Why should you be the only one to get off multiple times?" I got off once, from the toy he used, pre-sex. He then got mad at me for catching him. FML

by kaijen / 09/09/2016 at 1:11am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

by bruh_im18 / 09/17/2016 at 12:18pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of a bra he claimed I left at his house. I know every single bra I own, and it wasn't one of them, or so I thought. Only after I broke up with him did I remember I lost that bra two months ago. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

by anonymous / 09/04/2016 at 6:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2016 at 10:50am / United Kingdom (Somerset) / Love

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2016 at 10:00am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

by dude i am so sorry / 09/19/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Love