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Friday 10 January 2014

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Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

by RaccoonFever / 01/10/2014 at 6:15am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML

by polluxdc / 01/10/2014 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

by wtf / 01/10/2014 at 11:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 6:05pm / United States / Love

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 9:25pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 11:12am / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

by lukas / 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

by lk mm, n vwls / 01/10/2014 at 8:20pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

by shite / 01/10/2014 at 4:46pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

by kyyle / 01/10/2014 at 11:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous