FML with : ceed

Number of results : 33

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

by ThrewItOntheGrooooooound / 04/07/2016 at 5:48am / Denmark (Syddanmark) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

by fishoutofwater / 12/02/2015 at 11:22pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

by not anymore / 10/30/2015 at 7:29pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 1:32pm / United States / Work

Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML

by uwotm8 / 05/23/2015 at 8:58pm / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

by skanula414 / 12/31/2014 at 2:00pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Kids

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

by anyoldnamewilldo / 12/11/2014 at 11:10am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 7:33am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2014 at 3:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

by unlucky / 03/29/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

by freed / 01/29/2014 at 12:13am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 11:12am / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, during lunch break at work, the bitter departmental rivalry blew out of control, when one of the glorified thugs from HR started a fistfight with my shift supervisor. I rushed in to break it up, but only succeeded in getting sucker-punched into next week. FML

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2012 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Miscellaneous

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

by lolwut / 01/15/2012 at 1:17pm / United States / Intimacy