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FML with : i pretended

Number of results : 31

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

#21363801
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30617) - you deserved it (10016) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 02/26/2015 at 2:35am - kids - by ManchotDesAndes - Sent from mobile version

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

#21219246
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43706) - you deserved it (22715)

On 07/24/2014 at 11:59am - misc - by FML - United States (Virginia)

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

#21003528
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40273) - you deserved it (10549)

On 12/24/2013 at 11:53am - animals - by PityKitty (woman) -

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

#20907982
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21346) - you deserved it (47962)

On 10/05/2013 at 2:56am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

#20906772
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40473) - you deserved it (4597)

On 10/04/2013 at 1:04am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Utah)

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

#20866525
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23632) - you deserved it (37467)

On 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm - health - by ugh - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

#20627029
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20628) - you deserved it (51823)

On 04/28/2013 at 5:09am - work - by stupid voicemails - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

#20538296
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14929) - you deserved it (46628)

On 03/10/2013 at 3:54pm - misc - by human lava lamp (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

#20519937
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31872) - you deserved it (2937)

On 02/24/2013 at 8:56am - work - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML

#20468586
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27052) - you deserved it (8931)

On 01/19/2013 at 9:55pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

#20023891
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9614) - you deserved it (20975)

On 08/16/2012 at 2:33am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

#19562532
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16745) - you deserved it (4168)

On 05/02/2012 at 7:18am - work - by tillyg15 - United Kingdom (Worcestershire)

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

#17708531
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9514) - you deserved it (47463)

On 09/10/2011 at 1:05am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

#16181891
204 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9662) - you deserved it (64740)

On 05/15/2011 at 1:20am - misc - by marmarr - United States

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

#15678206
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10064) - you deserved it (36591)

On 04/07/2011 at 9:28am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (London)



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