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FML with : mouth on

Number of results : 360

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

#21410548
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29581) - you deserved it (1828)

On 05/15/2015 at 2:48pm - misc - by hendrixisgod86 (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

#21400331
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26135) - you deserved it (8991)

On 04/26/2015 at 11:12pm - misc - by rookiemistake (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

#21396858
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29843) - you deserved it (3112)

On 04/20/2015 at 2:06pm - animals - by craZycatLady - United States (Kansas)

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

#21395531
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29318) - you deserved it (2476)

On 04/18/2015 at 12:57am - misc - by assault and imnotracistbuttery (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

#21394264
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16543) - you deserved it (32503)

On 04/15/2015 at 6:52pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, while walking my dog, I opened my mouth to yawn. A wasp took the opportunity to fly into my mouth and announce its presence by stinging my tongue. FML

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

#21387066
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27085) - you deserved it (2013)

On 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

#21374137
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31002) - you deserved it (3275)

On 03/13/2015 at 11:27pm - misc - by Eddy (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

#21373551
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28548) - you deserved it (3875)

On 03/13/2015 at 12:19am - health - by numbtongue - New Zealand (Otago)

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

#21363801
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30594) - you deserved it (9997) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 02/26/2015 at 2:35am - kids - by ManchotDesAndes - Sent from mobile version

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

#21352523
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36872) - you deserved it (2077)

On 02/09/2015 at 1:23am - health - by wellalrightythen - United States (Indiana)

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

#21338477
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22247) - you deserved it (12693)

On 01/16/2015 at 7:37pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

#21329462
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34452) - you deserved it (6823)

On 01/02/2015 at 4:53pm - intimacy - by I'll Make You FartCum (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

#21321894
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33343) - you deserved it (6128)

On 12/22/2014 at 3:05am - love - by ScottyB - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

#21306928
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36214) - you deserved it (3058)

On 11/27/2014 at 3:38pm - intimacy - by Trainer Calypso - United States (Wisconsin)



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