FML with : fml

Number of results : 34017

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

by Kiki / 06/23/2016 at 7:54pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

by anal-retentive / 06/23/2016 at 4:00pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

by Malarky / 06/23/2016 at 3:10pm / United States / Love

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

by gimpy / 06/23/2016 at 11:00am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

by unemployedaussie / 06/23/2016 at 8:35am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

by Pelly / 06/23/2016 at 6:26am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Health

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

by Mimo / 06/23/2016 at 6:18am / Egypt / Love

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

by AHHH_REPTAR / 06/23/2016 at 12:54am / United States (South Dakota) / Work

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

by Naulwenn / 06/23/2016 at 12:25am / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

by deanlazore / 06/22/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2016 at 6:13pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

by Crushgonewrong / 06/22/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2016 at 5:15pm / Finland (Southern Finland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML

by Sammmmi / 06/22/2016 at 2:35pm / United Kingdom (Renfrewshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

by Reek / 06/22/2016 at 10:29am / United States / Miscellaneous