FML with : ass

Number of results : 3060

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2016 at 6:28pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

by Geckosrock99 / 07/20/2016 at 1:58am / Animals

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a random girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

by aurora320 / 07/19/2016 at 3:50pm / United Kingdom (Bournemouth) / Love

Today, I bleached my upper lip hair so it wouldn't be visible anymore. At school, for the first time, the guy I like came over to talk to me after class. Just as I thought he was about to ask me out, he told me how weird my "gold moustache" looks. FML

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

by rejectedprobably / 07/18/2016 at 7:06pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got lost in Darkfall Passage in Skyrim and got so frustrated I turned off the game and cried. Thank you pregnancy hormones. FML

by SkyrimGamerMoM / 07/14/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (North Dakota) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

by lastinclass / 07/13/2016 at 5:28pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

by Foot In Mouth / 07/12/2016 at 10:46pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

by NoTypeOfExercise / 07/11/2016 at 11:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

by Seeyounarabish / 07/10/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I reassured a close friend that he could tell me anything. Now all our conversations are almost exclusively about his kinks. Did you know a well-stretched human anus can hold an entire bag of jumbo marshmallows? FML

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2016 at 11:14am / Work

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

by hannamacintosh / 07/07/2016 at 2:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

by stupidteacher / 07/05/2016 at 11:02am / China (Guizhou) / Work

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

by Mr_Jah / 07/04/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (Texas) / Love