FMLs submitted from Western Australia

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

by datingablonde / 01/11/2013 at 12:20am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2012 at 12:19pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

by spellbound / 12/19/2012 at 9:59am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

by ghost? / 12/16/2012 at 3:31am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 1:39pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2012 at 2:02pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

by katier8295 / 10/27/2012 at 8:43am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

by not even a sexy bushfire / 10/25/2012 at 12:27pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

by 12693 / 10/24/2012 at 1:35pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, I completely shaved my head as a gesture for my boyfriend's mother, who was suffering from cancer and having a terrible time undergoing chemotherapy. Turns out she doesn't even have cancer, and my boyfriend thought I wouldn't have the guts to do it. FML

by horriblejoke / 10/10/2012 at 11:05am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2012 at 1:03am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

by theflow / 08/15/2012 at 1:08pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

by burnt / 08/13/2012 at 12:43am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous