FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wasn't really bedridden sick on Valentine's Day. A Super Smash Bros game date with his friends was just more important. FML

by superscript / 02/17/2015 at 10:40pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

by doomed / 02/10/2015 at 7:00pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

by bootyislife / 02/02/2015 at 11:36pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

by CalledOut / 02/02/2015 at 1:41am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

by okseñoryoucrazy / 02/01/2015 at 7:43pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

by katrina2d / 01/27/2015 at 12:43am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

by Earplugged / 01/25/2015 at 12:01am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

by Annomymous / 01/23/2015 at 1:12pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML

by uggg / 01/23/2015 at 1:09pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

by Ineedlotsofwater / 01/23/2015 at 11:41am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2015 at 12:56am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML

by idkgiraffes / 12/27/2014 at 10:57pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML

by MisUnFortunate / 12/16/2014 at 1:42pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.