FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML

by uggg / 01/23/2015 at 1:09pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

by Ineedlotsofwater / 01/23/2015 at 11:41am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2015 at 12:56am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML

by idkgiraffes / 12/27/2014 at 10:57pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML

by MisUnFortunate / 12/16/2014 at 1:42pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

by shitty candles / 12/01/2014 at 2:30am / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

by weirdthingtosay / 11/21/2014 at 4:56am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, a girl said to me, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend". I hadn't said anything to her. FML

by CCrew42 / 11/20/2014 at 7:27pm / United States (Washington) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

by INeedaNewJob / 11/16/2014 at 6:25pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I threw out my back while trying to put together my new ergonomic chair, which was supposed to help my bad back. FML

by ShenaniganNinja / 11/06/2014 at 5:11pm / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2014 at 4:55pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML

by RyoKioKio / 10/24/2014 at 3:26pm / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

by pyrogypsy / 10/23/2014 at 9:05pm / United States (Washington) / Transportation