FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

by SlappyMcGee / 01/07/2010 at 7:19pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

by Doomy / 01/07/2010 at 9:43am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

by cmilla / 01/02/2010 at 4:18am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

by doody / 12/30/2009 at 5:42pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

by Stumanji / 12/29/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

by pieceofcake163 / 12/29/2009 at 3:59am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2009 at 12:02am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 7:08am / United States (Washington) / Holidays

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

by hated / 12/27/2009 at 10:14pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

by Icy / 12/27/2009 at 3:43am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML

by Cheap / 12/27/2009 at 3:34am / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

by Fatty / 12/27/2009 at 2:15am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

by Humbug / 12/26/2009 at 7:34pm / United States (Washington) / Work