FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

by nerdlette / 03/15/2014 at 3:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in my Honors English class. I sneezed very loudly while my teacher was giving a lecture. I had the genius idea to say, "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." FML

by Catuser / 03/05/2014 at 10:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2014 at 5:42am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

by OverIt / 02/25/2014 at 5:24pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I'm eight months pregnant with my second child. My 18-month-old son loves to watch my belly move when his baby brother moves. And then loves to smack my belly. It's going to be a long eighteen years. FML

by clrichmond2009 / 02/19/2014 at 1:48pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I burned my right boob. I got it by eating a hot pocket and accidentally spilling the extremely hot filling. I never thought I'd get laid before. This has just confirmed it. FML

by Nikia818 / 02/06/2014 at 1:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

by owl + bungee cord / 01/07/2014 at 3:38pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2014 at 2:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML

by AnnoyedSister / 12/30/2013 at 5:28pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

by Thanksalot / 11/30/2013 at 12:58am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

by fleetingmemories / 11/29/2013 at 6:55pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2013 at 12:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

by 43_clothespins_later / 11/20/2013 at 7:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous