FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my blind date started with, "I am required by law to tell you this: I am a registered sex offender." FML

by w0w / 04/22/2016 at 8:12am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2016 at 2:01am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally had to accept that I have feelings for a very cute and funny guy. It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't my brother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2016 at 1:56pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

by me / 04/14/2016 at 1:33pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

by BlueyedKat / 04/11/2016 at 1:40pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over late at night and asked me to be quieter because he could hear us. I'm still single and it was probably me grunting and getting mad losing Plants vs Zombies. FML

Today, I spent 2 hours slaving over a hot stove to make my kids the perfect dinner. They both came home with Happy Meals in their hands. FML

by xSusanGeex / 04/09/2016 at 7:29pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

by TappedAnts / 04/07/2016 at 9:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

by fishtities / 04/07/2016 at 12:56am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 10:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2016 at 12:27pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

by in this day and age.... / 03/27/2016 at 12:53pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 11:36am / United States (Texas) / Love