FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

by Armstrong / 04/18/2015 at 7:55pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

by assault and imnotracistbuttery / 04/18/2015 at 12:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

by drewcaver / 04/12/2015 at 3:49pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

by tannerrosetx_1 / 04/06/2015 at 7:44am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 11:29pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML

by NotDrunk / 04/03/2015 at 8:42pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

by lucasbeck99 / 03/31/2015 at 5:35am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

by anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 12:24am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML

by hard work doesn't work / 03/13/2015 at 2:21am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2015 at 6:26pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2015 at 7:15pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

by phishy / 03/05/2015 at 5:26pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

by notdrivinganytimesoon / 03/03/2015 at 9:35pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous