FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 11:29pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML

by NotDrunk / 04/03/2015 at 8:42pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

by lucasbeck99 / 03/31/2015 at 5:35am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

by anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 12:24am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML

by hard work doesn't work / 03/13/2015 at 2:21am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2015 at 6:26pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2015 at 7:15pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

by phishy / 03/05/2015 at 5:26pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

by notdrivinganytimesoon / 03/03/2015 at 9:35pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

by smalltownkid / 03/01/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

by great / 02/28/2015 at 11:23am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was given my yearly evaluation as a cake decorator at Walmart. They said I "was easily the best decorator there" and "the bakery has definitely improved since I got there." In the same conversation they put "unsatisfactory" on my evaluation and denied my raise. FML

by ruthlessrobin / 02/25/2015 at 1:31am / United States (Texas) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

by xxruby / 02/24/2015 at 4:07pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy