FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, after being neutered, my dog has managed to destroy three different "cones of shame", a special (and expensive) inflatable "donut" collar, and two t-shirts used as last resorts. I've essentially spent over $100 to unsuccessfully try keep my dog from licking his crotch. FML

by AnnoyedAggie16 / 12/05/2016 at 4:14am / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

by CheeseLover / 12/01/2016 at 7:44pm / United States (Texas) / Geek

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

by Lepisma / 11/27/2016 at 2:22am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

by funnyERstory / 11/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

by merchgirl / 11/14/2016 at 5:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

by bob7654 / 11/10/2016 at 9:44pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

by shanson / 11/07/2016 at 9:06am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

by Imwalkinghere / 11/03/2016 at 9:26pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was diagnosed with chronic vomiting. I've gone to 7 doctors and tried 13 different medicines, with none of them working. I've gone to therapy and taken up yoga with no change. So apparently, throwing up daily at random times is the new normal for me. Yay. FML

by leadwriteafw / 11/03/2016 at 2:35pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

by umm...no / 10/31/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

by Smittynumerouno / 10/27/2016 at 11:13pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

by Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen / 10/26/2016 at 11:19pm / United States (Texas) / Work