FMLs submitted from Queensland

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

by LonelyPorkChop / 12/18/2013 at 4:30am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, my fiancée broke up with me over text message while I was away for work. She later posted photos of her and her new boyfriend on Facebook, while still wearing my engagement ring. FML

by grantsidiots / 11/27/2013 at 12:51am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

by thatsnotacat / 11/21/2013 at 12:52pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2013 at 5:57am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

by ShakenNotStirred / 11/11/2013 at 3:18am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I told my coworkers that I was going on a date tonight so they would think I have a social life. One of them spotted me while I was eating alone at McDonalds. FML

by CreamGravy / 10/06/2013 at 9:54am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner and have to leave in shame. FML

by :( / 09/28/2013 at 5:24pm / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my mum dismissed my diagnosed schizophrenia as "too much time with those earphones in". FML

by awkwardology / 09/27/2013 at 3:56am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

by SadFace / 09/12/2013 at 8:39am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

by marryinghimanyway / 08/28/2013 at 10:21pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

by Thanks everyone / 08/28/2013 at 6:35pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

by scorned_jacketless_lady / 08/26/2013 at 12:52am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I got fired from my job at an age care facility because I was too nice to my residents. My boss told me "They're deaf, blind and about to jump head first into the grave. We don't pay you to be kind." FML

by sweet23 / 08/18/2013 at 7:43am / Australia (Queensland) / Work