FMLs submitted from Pennsylvania

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

by anonymous / 01/22/2016 at 8:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) /

Today, two teen girls got into a shouting match at the table next to mine at the food court. Sensing a fight brewing, I got up to leave. I stood up just in time for one of the girls to throw her tray, which missed her target and hit me in the head. FML

by LiLMAMA0523 / 01/21/2016 at 9:02am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

by ur_life_dus_suck / 01/21/2016 at 8:08am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally went to the doctor's office to have a small patch of acne on my stomach looked at. Since it was in an almost perfect circle and abnormally sensitive, I was worried it could be ringworm or some other sort of skin infection. It turned out to be an infection alright. Herpes. FML

by ringrash / 01/14/2016 at 1:17am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2016 at 1:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

by this is impossible / 01/04/2016 at 7:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2016 at 6:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2016 at 12:17am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2015 at 5:33pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

by oldskoolfun / 12/26/2015 at 6:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

by Starfucks / 12/16/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

by MystoganFT / 12/16/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy