FMLs submitted from Pennsylvania

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

by squirt / 07/05/2009 at 12:48pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

by Grossedouttt / 07/04/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

by PeePee / 07/03/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

by capcha / 07/03/2009 at 2:30pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/30/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

by Emptyspace / 06/25/2009 at 3:15pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

by silkworm / 06/24/2009 at 2:44am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bicurious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML

by Anonymous / 06/23/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2009 at 12:09am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was installing the official 3.0 firmware update for my iPhone. Apple's authentication servers crashed. I now own an iBrick. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 9:05am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

by stuck / 06/16/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

by MisterSeth / 06/16/2009 at 9:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy