FMLs submitted from Oregon

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

by justsomesummer / 01/26/2016 at 1:09pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2016 at 9:07pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2015 at 7:40pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2015 at 10:55pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2015 at 4:47am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

by Embarrassed ass. / 10/23/2015 at 12:05am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

by moonbears / 10/22/2015 at 12:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

by badtasteinmen / 10/15/2015 at 2:19pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. 6, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2015 at 12:18am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

by All Dressed Up With No Place To Go / 09/11/2015 at 1:57am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 2:31pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

by emily074 / 08/22/2015 at 11:13pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

by ToddesPizza / 08/19/2015 at 9:00pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous