FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

by green and not with envy / 06/13/2014 at 4:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I got a very serious case of the shits while in the middle of trying to close a sale, and had to run to the bathroom. My coworker picked up the sale, stealing all the commission in the process. FML

by shudson186 / 06/10/2014 at 8:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

by Anonymous / 06/08/2014 at 2:01pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

by xerrika / 06/03/2014 at 7:56am / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

by idiot says "you raised him" / 05/31/2014 at 5:30pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

by N O / 05/27/2014 at 2:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2014 at 6:06pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

by Ace / 05/21/2014 at 5:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML

by thepixies842 / 05/19/2014 at 11:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

by NickJJ / 05/15/2014 at 10:34pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2014 at 3:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

by Zekrome / 05/05/2014 at 3:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

by EggHead / 05/03/2014 at 12:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous