FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, I saw my boyfriend wiping his nose with his hand and then using the snot to gel back his hair. FML

by danceinconverse / 09/23/2014 at 2:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was hit with a sudden onset of diarrhea and had to use the washroom on the train. As soon as I pulled down my pants, my worst nightmare came true, as someone opened the door and exposed me to the other passengers. FML

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

by HappilyNeverAfter / 09/17/2014 at 11:14pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2014 at 6:10pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

by KayEffEh / 09/17/2014 at 5:22pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I entered the lecture hall where my class takes place. I sat in the front row as usual, but I noticed that none of the other students looked familiar. I quickly realised that I was in the wrong class after a different professor showed up and told me to get out. FML

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

by notyourfriend / 09/08/2014 at 9:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

by mayoshampoo / 09/01/2014 at 12:59pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

by emilyparker / 08/31/2014 at 10:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my parents sat me down and told me that I'm adopted. I took it in stride, and reassured them that as far as I'm concerned, they're my true parents. That annoyed them. Apparently the whole thing was a prank for a YouTube video, which I ruined by not crying or freaking out. FML

by hannahka / 08/29/2014 at 2:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML

by notmyrealname123 / 08/24/2014 at 8:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

by ReluctantAntEater / 08/21/2014 at 5:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML

by stepshart / 08/21/2014 at 3:30pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous