FMLs submitted from Oklahoma

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up terrified, scaring my roommate. What was the dream? That I'd had a panic attack because my box of Honey Nut Cheerios was torn and the bag inside was improperly folded. FML

by smoothies14 / 09/11/2015 at 9:15pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

by ballthlete / 09/06/2015 at 12:55am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was forced to watch my 5 year old cousin. In an attempt to get him to sit still for a minute, I challenged him to a thumb wrestling match. It's been 2 hours and he keeps thumb wrestling me. If I stop, he cries. FML

by MikaykayUnicorn / 08/15/2015 at 11:41pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

by ddhaley1 / 07/18/2015 at 3:08pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML

by izaya / 07/05/2015 at 12:26pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

by Alex Andreas / 07/01/2015 at 11:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Animals

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

by missko519 / 05/22/2015 at 3:36am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

by fuckingdonuts / 05/17/2015 at 10:54pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my wife confided in a coworker that she wants to sleep with him, because our marriage is loveless and sexless. News to me. FML

by semokco / 05/14/2015 at 2:59pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2015 at 5:59am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

by Anonymous / 04/05/2015 at 8:27am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

by cuckolddreams / 01/21/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy