FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

by evil Santa / 12/24/2014 at 10:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

by Unknown / 12/23/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

by anyoldnamewilldo / 12/11/2014 at 11:10am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

by notmycircus / 12/02/2014 at 12:30am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

by justawallflower / 11/29/2014 at 9:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

by college student / 11/23/2014 at 1:22pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2014 at 7:04pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

by mouthwash / 11/11/2014 at 12:05am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

by NoJobNovember / 11/06/2014 at 2:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2014 at 2:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

by bottombarrel / 10/28/2014 at 10:07am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML

by Silbax1 / 10/27/2014 at 11:40am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

by Rachel / 10/23/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Ohio) / Love