FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

by waxer150 / 03/22/2015 at 6:32pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

by katgib13 / 03/10/2015 at 6:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

by Microtron / 03/02/2015 at 7:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was demoted as a bridesmaid in a wedding because I dyed my hair, and didn't ask permission from the bride to do so. The bride is my sister. FML

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2015 at 2:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2015 at 2:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2015 at 7:34pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML

by Innocence / 02/13/2015 at 12:33pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

by No thank you / 02/04/2015 at 3:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

by StantheMan93 / 02/02/2015 at 6:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2015 at 12:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

by licensed_ginger / 01/08/2015 at 1:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML

by TaddM21 / 01/01/2015 at 10:18pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals