FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

by Matt / 08/11/2011 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

by ksmith / 08/09/2011 at 12:59am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

by Bobsaget00 / 08/04/2011 at 6:19am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

by doomeddaddy / 08/03/2011 at 12:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

by Lonely / 07/24/2011 at 1:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

by iwantmoney / 07/21/2011 at 8:20pm / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

by therundown / 07/20/2011 at 9:38am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 9:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2011 at 4:43am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

by grenade / 07/17/2011 at 2:24am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

by imobesejk / 07/16/2011 at 8:19pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

by TheGoodTwin / 07/14/2011 at 11:53am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

by JohnyP / 07/09/2011 at 3:04am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation