FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2015 at 6:05pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I overheard a large group of my friends and acquaintances making spontaneous plans to go see a movie that afternoon. I was the only person not invited. Normally I would have believed their excuse that they thought I was "sick at home", except I was sitting a few feet away the entire time. FML

by ifeelsoloved / 04/09/2015 at 2:25am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

by musicteacher / 03/12/2015 at 6:23am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

by miewann / 03/03/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

by dickofbrokendreams / 03/02/2015 at 12:14am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

by MCForty / 02/27/2015 at 10:29am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after 3 hours of sleep, I had to rush to my grandmother's house because she fell and couldn't get up. An embarrassed, half-naked old lady, a very wet rug, an ambulance and a trip to the hospital later, and she still refuses to use her cane and walker. I hope I'm not this stubborn when I'm old. FML

by CatLady4Lyf / 02/16/2015 at 9:22am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

by Not Worth a Lunch / 02/02/2015 at 9:25am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

by dogproblems / 01/27/2015 at 10:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

by DrLight / 01/16/2015 at 8:59pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

by whoops.. / 01/15/2015 at 10:15pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

by ivegotapackage / 01/05/2015 at 6:47pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

by TimJack18 / 01/04/2015 at 6:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love