FMLs submitted from New York

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2015 at 6:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn't deliver. FML

by lentkaysi / 09/10/2015 at 6:55pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started my new job. The first thing my coworkers asked me is what football team I like. When I told them I didn't really like sports, they immediately stopped talking to me and haven't since, even when I ask them work-related questions. FML

by NotASportsGuy / 09/06/2015 at 8:46am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 10:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

by tortureromoretorture / 08/26/2015 at 8:28pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

by Ananimus / 08/26/2015 at 8:31am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

by catlady / 08/24/2015 at 11:16pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 2:08pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to ride in the back seat of a car, next to a large, hyperactive dog who experiences nervous bowel movements. FML

by grace / 08/13/2015 at 10:54am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:35pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

by Just wanted a cigarette / 07/30/2015 at 10:06pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous